Change

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

As you all know we have always wanted a larger family, but we have decided through much prayer, that our family is the size that God wants it to be and are closing the door on the dream of a bigger family.  

For those of you that may be members of our church or who have prayed for guidance from God and received answers, we know you will understand what it means when we say that this “feels right and good”. For those who maybe aren't religious the best way I can describe it is a gut feeling that says, "You've got this! You're doing the right thing." We've already taken steps to get rid of baby items, and it still feels right. So we are continuing with this decision.

We understand many of your thoughts you after having as you read this.

“Have you tried ______”

"You're still young, you have plenty of time"

"Why don't you wait to make this decision after you've finished school"

"What can we do to help?"

We have been blessed with the opportunity and guidance, three different times, to consider adopting a child. We found all the right and necessary materials to prepare to bring this child into our family, only to find out that the child was just barely adopted or otherwise unavailable to us. We saw 4 different medical professionals to guide us on our journey; one was even specialized in my syndrome. We had many tests performed on us to rule things out. We underwent a surgery to make sure that all the tests hadn't missed anything. We tried going dairy-free, the “we” is used very loosely here… =).  We took different hormones that are supposed to increase the chances of pregnancy significantly, only to find they didn't do anything for us other than give weird side effects doctors had never seen before. All of this felt right. Nothing ever felt wrong. We haven't hid much of this journey from Ellie. She came to many blood draws, many doctors appointments, she helped us prepare things for a new baby, she saw pictures of children we were considering bringing into our home, and she understood what the surgery was for. We feel that we have done everything we could in order to grow our family, and for reasons unknown to us, we feel that our family is meant to be its current size.

Yes we are young and still have "plenty" of time. (I find that statement funny given the fact that each year, as a female, your fertility level decreases.) But what you may not see, because we purposefully tried to hide it, is that I cannot emotionally take the loss of a dream month after month as I have for the past 3.5 years.

It's true that we could wait until after school. But we both feel like we will not experience the blessing of watching and feeling my belly grow, the blessing of midnight feedings, the blessing of dirty diapers, the blessing of potty training. What we do know is that it has been a fantastic learning and growing experience for our little family and we will enjoy all the baby nieces and nephews that join the big family!

What can you do for us? Continue to pray for us as we make this transition. As with any drastic change made to your future, it comes with a grieving period for the loss of a dream. We are grateful for all the support you have given us over these last few years. Please continue to love us and to share your joys and journeys with expanding your families! Ask us questions, if you have any, please share cookies with us, and share this with anyone you have been open with regarding our journey! =)

Saying It Loudly, So Others Know They Aren't Alone

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance/Awareness Day. I had no idea about this until a few weeks ago! I also found out that there is a thing called the Wave of Light. October 15th, 7-8pm in the time zone you are in, you light a candle and keep it burning in memory of a loss. This creates a wave of light around the world!

I wish I had known about this! Why don't we talk about things like this!? Why don't we celebrate life as soon as you find out you're pregnant? That way if you do miscarry you have shoulders to lean on, people to support you. This way we know that people have experienced the same/similar pain we have, we are not alone.

For anyone who happens upon my very unpopular blog, I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that loss is hard, no matter what stage you are in. You will never forget, and those that you confide in will always be there to support you and help you as you remember and recall your turmoil. 3/6/13 and 11/20/13, these dates will always be hard, but I have grown so much and have increased my circle of sisters who also understand the turmoil as I have spoken out about my experiences.

Tonight, I lit my candle in remembrance of my children that I never knew, and took an extra moment to delight in the miracle child that I do have.

I'm Alive!

Don't worry my pretty little readers, I am alive and well!

I know it's been 2 months since I last wrote...

Lots has happened!

Both good and bad.

So I will just bullet point, and add pictures, to review.

November after the 11th, which was the last post:

*I found out I was pregnant

* I started miscarrying the night of Young Women in Excellence

This is a celebration we have for our young women in the church 12-18 and all they have spiritually accomplished in the year!

*We traveled to Colorado for Thanksgiving with Mr. Dawson's family

*Finished miscarrying the day before Thanksgiving

* Fantastic time visiting with family and relaxing

December:

*My hair was THIS long!

*I held my 3rd violin studio recital in Kansas

It also happened to be Ellie's first violin recital, spur of the moment decision on her part!

Don't worry we are working on posture! =)

*Mr. Dawson finished the semester with flying colors!

*We traveled to warmer weather and stayed 3 weeks in Arizona visiting family.

*Christmas was awesome

*My cousin got married

*We celebrated 5 years of marriage!

 *Attempted a Family Photo

 *Added another temple to our list of visited! 

The Gilbert, AZ temple!

*I also got my hair cut...as you can probably tell! =)

*We evaded the polar vortex by staying in AZ for a total of 3 weeks!

And I think that is about it!

2014 is the year!

I feel it!

It's going to be an awesome year!!! 

I can't wait to see what it brings!

24/31 Things: Blog Name

{To know what I am talking about, and to see past 31 Things posts, start here...}

24. How did your blog get it's name?

**********

When I started college I decided that I needed a way to keep my family up to date on everything.

Plus a blog seemed like a cool thing to start!

I was at Family Home Evening and we were playing a game that involved toothpicks.

We each started out with a certain number of toothpicks

Then we each took turns standing in the middle admitting something that we thought everyone else had done.

If someone had done what you said you hadn't they gave you a toothpick.

At the end, the person with the most toothpicks was the winner.

Well, my statement was, "I have never been kissed."

Practically everyone gave me a toothpick!

And many people were shocked.

It was at this event when a boy mentioned my teeth, possibly when I was standing in the center,

I can't remember exactly

But the mentioned that my teeth were perfectly white and straight and that I must have been a model for crest toothpaste.

I played around with that comment for a bit.

When I was creating my blog address that's what I came to mind!

"crest model"

20/31 Things: Forgiveness

{To know what I am talking about, and to see past 31 Things posts, start here...}

20. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

**********

You know how you read blogs, or just look at other couples, and it makes you feel insecure? That voice in your head saying, "They seem happier than you do. More fashionable. More compatible. More fertile. They probably make a lot of money. They probably make love five times a week. I bet she's a better wife, and doesn't complain. I bet he always remembers to take out the trash." 

And on and on...

Well, some of those things are true! Maybe at that moment in time they actually are happier than you. Maybe they have figured something out that you don't know. I don't know how those hypothetical couples can be so perfect. All I know is my relationship. And let me tell you, marriage is not always bliss. Did you expect that from me? 

I know, I know. You ALL think I have the most perfect life that is amazing and happy. But let me tell you, Mr. Dawson and I have been through it all in the past 4.5 years. Only a few people know the full story. Would you believe me if I told you that after 6 months of marriage we were instantaneously hanging on my a thread, maybe 4 threads? It's true. There were lots of tears, anger, compassion, prayers, doubts, tweaking this thing, tweaking that thing. It was only a little over a year ago that threads started being picked up and bound together. We had lots to pick up, discard, and create. We had had over 2 years of a continuous roller coaster marriage. 

I only share this with you now because I think that now that we have had a little over a year with no threads threatening to break, I think we have come out on the other side! (And you thought you knew everything about us by reading this blog? Proof that blogs are just a peek at someones life!)

I am not going to specifically list all the things that were hard for me to forgive, as I know Mr. Dawson can most assuredly recall things that were hard for him too, but I do want to share this:

It's okay if your life doesn't look like a fairy tale. I betcha no ones does. Ever notice that the Disney movies don't ever portray the drama that happens after marriage? They never talk of cohabiting with someone, struggling through overcoming a habit that is toxic to the relationship, changing individually and together, and continuing to find that love amidst the change and hard times. It makes sense as to why the divorce rate is so high! Marriage is hard work! The way "work" looks is different for everyone. And depending on the circumstances it may be harder hard work for some. As long as you still have real love for each other, I know that the hard work and change it takes to make a marriage work is worth it.

I am totally not advocating that you stay in any relationships that may bring physical harm to you or that  may make you miserable and bring you down. That is completely different. And I believe that is not a relationship worth staying in. There were times, in the darkest of the times, that when I asked myself if I still loved Mr. Dawson and if I should keep working to work things out, that I knew WITHOUT hesitation that the answer was a resounding YES! When I asked him those same questions, he would answer the same. So we knew that we could do it, that he was worth it, that we both knew our relationship was worth it. When your hearts aligned, you find a way to make it. Your love for each other becomes deeper, more real, full of respect, and honest.

There is a Silver Lining to Every Cloud

If you will recall these two posts:

Adoption Language and Patience is a Dirty Word

Between these two posts, a crazy roller coaster ride came our way.

The clouds on this ride were ever changing,

Sunshiny, overcast, gloomy, overcast, cumulonimbus, and then back to overcast, and sunshiny!

A few days after writing the first post we found out that we were pregnant!

With shock and excitement and wonder we called the fertility clinic to tell them the news!

Immediately lab work was scheduled to be done to make sure that everything looked good.

Everyone was so excited and shocked that this could be happening!

We pondered why we would feel inspired to start the adoption process if we were to be blessed with a biological child!

I even told Mr. Dawson that if this pregnancy didn't work out, that having already started the adoption process and being so far into it would help me not stick in a funk for very long. 

Then we got some news along with many questions

The numbers weren't looking good

I was told to continue with the last scheduled lab work session, take a certain prescription, and then they would see about an ultrasound.

The last labs didn't come back as happy as they had desired, so an ultrasound was scheduled for the next day.

The doctors and nurses thought the pregnancy might be ectopic.

Ectopic is when a baby implants anywhere but the uterus, most often the fallopian tube.

As the baby grows the tube cannot expand enough to hold the baby....and then the mothers life becomes at risk.

So in we went.

During the ultrasound we found out that it was not ectopic!

BUT the gestational sac was measuring much smaller than it should have been for almost 7 weeks.

They told us that we would do more lab work and continue watching and see what happened

A few days later I miscarried.

Hard as it is to miscarry, I found out in the middle of my day of teaching and still had 2 hours to go.

I put on my brave face, texted Justin, called the nurses in a 5 minute break I had, and continued on.

Earlier that morning I had allowed myself to hope for the best.

Lab work continued, followed by another ultrasound.

My body was doing it's job correctly

More lab work would be necessary to make sure my body finished it's job correctly.

The doctor and nurse appeared to be amazed at how well we seemed to be handling the situation.

I responded by telling them that it first helped in thinking that it was an ectopic pregnancy, my brain was prepared for the fact that I would lose this child. 

When it became apparent it wasn't ectopic and I prayed for strength and knowledge as to what I needed to do, I was comforted. 

I knew that no matter what things would work out!

We will be having another child whether by adoption or biologically!

The best part out of all of this!

Yes, there is a best part, remember I ended with "sunshiny" up top!

My body works!

Well, at least when it decides to work, it can work!

This is amazing news!

We weren't even sure that my body could really conceive on it's own!

And it did!

Who knows how often my body "works"! 

It took us 10 months to get there....

But we are excited about that, to have the knowledge that you aren't as broken as you thought, that is great news!

So we are continuing with the adoption process.

Yes, even though we were able to conceive we feel that we still need to do this and continue with the adoption process. 

We have felt, when we first started the process, that we would someday have another biological child

But today is not that day. 

We are to adopt first and love this child and raise this child with all the love that we have!

Have I mentioned how excited Ellie is to be a big sister!

SO STINKIN' EXCITED!

She claims she is going to have a baby sister.

She is going to play peek-a-boo, feed the baby bottles, hold the baby, and sing songs.

And we are so excited that we get to have another child as well!

121 Photos

I just uploaded 121 photos onto the computer!

I had been storing them on the camera for WAY too long!

I am currently going through them and deciding which to use for updates of what has happened.

These pictures date from January 23rd-Yesterday!

I think you will agree that yes, it is time for a little picture update, but not too overwhelming of one!

=)

So by the end of today there may be two or so more blog posts!

Love ya!

Crush

I have to admit something to the world...

When I watch the movie Anne of Green Gables I feel a little bit like I am betraying Mr. Dawson.

Let me explain.

I have the biggest crush on Gilbert Blythe

Like HUGE

It's terrible

When I first read the books I knew I was in trouble, I was in love with a fictional character!

Then when I saw the movies....

I think they picked the perfect person to play Gil!

I have such a crush that I wanted to name my future son Gilbert in honor of Gilbert Blythe!

But then my parents moved to Gilbert, AZ....and I just can't do that to my future son!

=)

I'm positive that Mr. Dawson has nothing to worry about as I know that Gilbert is just a fictional character, though I think I will always have a soft spot for Gil!

Patience is a Dirty Word

I found this blog post many many many months ago. 

Like we are talking in 2012, sometime....

=)

Anyway, I have tried to find a way to "rewrite" what she has written to post on my blog,

But that is totally lame, and like stealing, and she wrote it so amazingly there's no need to alter it!

Please go here

Patience is a Dirty Word

And read it.

I love it!

Here's the part that I love...if you don't want to go read it on her page

=)

She talks about how we read in the Bible that God created the world in 6 days and one day of rest.

Each day in God's time is equivalent to 1,000 years in ours.

With that logic:

1 year is the equivalent of 1 minute and 18 seconds

1 month is the equivalent of 6.5 seconds
This means I am about 31 minutes old
Ellie is about 3 minutes old
Mr. Dawson is about 33 minutes old
Women are only pregnant for 1 minute

Gaining some perspective?
So in the big scheme of things is being patient such a dirty word and a hard thing to do?
No, not really.
The average human lives only 1 hour and 50 minutes....
We are asked to remain faithful for that hour and 50 minutes
Those of you waiting to find your beloved spouse, the time is soon! I mean we are talking minutes and seconds!

I love the way she closes her post,
"When things get tough, does it make sense to rely on your 28 minutes worth of experience? Thinking about it that way sure makes it easy to turn to your Heavenly Father and trust in his endless knowledge."

Can you be patient now that you realize how much of a blip of time we spend here on earth?
How small of a blip that temper-tantrum your toddler just threw is?

So what are you going to do with the time that's left?

Adoption Language

Don't worry, I'll update you on all our snow and recent adventures in the past 11 days

....tomorrow.

But for now, just wanted to do a quick little post on the words we speak.

Since we are adopting, OUR PAPERWORK IS ALMOST COMPLETE, I figured I should start letting friends and family know and understand terminology.

It's mainly to understand how things can be said with the greatest of care but still sound terrible, and how to prevent that from happening to you!

The terms on the LEFT are the NEGATIVE

Terms on the RIGHT are POSITIVE

Here goes:

"Gave up her child for adoption".............."Placed her child for adoption"

"Real parent; natural parent"..............."Biological parent, birth parent"

"Adoptive parent".................."Parent"

"His adopted child".............."His child"

"Illegitimate"...................."Born to unmarried parents"

"Adoptee"............."Child who was adopted"

"To keep"............."To parent; to raise"

"Adoptable child; available child"......................."Waiting child"

"Foreign adoption"............."International adoption"

"Track down parents"............."Search"

"Unwanted child"................."Child placed for adoption"

"Is adopted"..............."Was adopted"

"Keeping the baby"..........."Deciding to parent"

"Child of their own"..............."Birth child; biological child"

I am sure there are more but that is all that I can come up with right now!

Bump on the Head

This afternoon I was running down the stairs to the basement to get some coupons I printed off.

Well on the last two steps there's this over hang cause the ceiling down there is pretty low.

Anyway I either got some air or just forgot in my effort to move fast.

Can you see it?

There's a red gash and a bump!

I couldn't get a good picture of the ceiling, but I damaged it just as much as it did me!

The paint is peeled off in three sections

and there is a strand of my hair attached to the ceiling!

You're going to have to trust me or ask Mr. Dawson.

It took forever to get 3 ibuprofen to take effect and then it wore off REALLY quick!

I sure hope that the bump doesn't turn too purple or huge tomorrow....all the kids I teach will be asking questions and to have to tell them over and over again would just be a pain!

That's the story for today!

Would you alter your past?

On Wednesday at mutual the girls were discussing their plans for the future.

Many of them revolved around "marrying into money". This thought process being so they could travel the world, not have to really take care of the kids, not have to worry about being a starving student, or being a starving student with children. Go to college to get an MRS rather than a degree that could help support a family if necessary. And then many mentioned that they wanted to be in their late twenties when they got married.

Honestly, this was the conversation going on while we were sewing hats for kids with cancer.

When I was their age my thoughts were no where near this!

I knew I would go to college and get a degree that could help me if I didn't get married.

It's always your dream/hope that you will get married while you are in school but this doesn't always happen! I have so many friends who are proof of this and they live amazing lives doing what they love doing because they got the education they needed!

Marry into money?!?!

I have to say, it would be awesome!

But realistically? It is highly unlikely.

I kept my thoughts to myself, gotta let them have their dreams/fantasies right?

Well when they started mentioning that they wanted to not get married at a young age a few of the leaders started chiming in too.

They said that if they could go back they would wait to get married until they were 25-28.

Their reasoning, 

"There are so many amazing things that you can do when you are young and single! Travel the world, do things that are hard to do with kids like going to sporting events, attend runway shows, concerts, travel whenever you wish....."

So they seconded the girls ideas of waiting to get married, or at least postponing children until they had reached these amazing mile stones that are hard to do once children come into the picture.

Don't get me wrong. I love these ladies and these girls!

I think they have valid points

But here are mine:

1. Go to college to get a degree you love. This way while you are hoping Mr. Right comes along you can be working on things that you love, rather than make you feel like you want to die!

But also so if Mr. Right does come along and he isn't Mr. Money Bags you can help him!

Whether it's helping by putting him through school, helping pay the bills, saving money so you can travel, or saving money for the future family and house you want to have!

2. I got married a few months after I turned 20. Sure I missed out on some fun adventures because we became two poor college students with meager bank accounts rather than just individuals, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I honestly don't regret not getting to travel as much as I would have liked before getting married, but hey! I will travel again, and I think it might mean more to me because I have to save up and wait for a little longer!

3. Kids do put dampers on somethings, sure traveling with them can be hard depending on their age, but by-golly! I love my little girl and wouldn't trade her for a trip to Europe!!!

4. If I had chosen not to marry Mr. Dawson and post-pone that by serving a mission for my church, or telling him I wanted to finish my degree first. 

(All very good things and I understand why people choose to do that)

I most likely wouldn't have Ellie.

With my knowledge of how my fertility is all screwy, I believe it to be a miracle given by God that Ellie is here with our little family!

Who knows what one year or more later than me getting married in 2008 might have done to my chance to be blessed with such an intelligent, beautiful, energetic girl!

So to sum it all up, I understand the thoughts that people make about wishing the could change little things about their past.

But it's not for me.

I think that everything that has happened in my life was supposed to happen the way it did because I can look back and see how perfectly things lined up for me to be where I am today, doing what I do.

That's my rant for today!

=)

Violin Lessons

Disclaimer:

I in no way whatsoever forced my child to play the violin.

She decided she wanted to have violin lessons herself.

The part that I hated was that Ellie wanted to carry/wear her violin on the airplane back from AZ to KS and many many adults were making comments and looking at us like horrible parents.

They just didn't know that SHE asked to bring the violin back home from gramma's house and have lessons with mom!

They presumed that we were forcing her to play the violin and such terrible people we were to do that to a kid who doesn't even look like 2.5 yrs old to most people.

Anyways, I behaved and didn't react to the stares and whispers that we of course could hear clearly.

We have lessons whenever she asks, I don't force them, and we do our best.

She can name all the parts of the violin

Go to rest position

Ellie can do a form of "Belly-Up"

Almost has a bow hold

Justin hasn't had lessons since April 2012 I think

So he will do lessons when Ellie does lessons

We are still working on posture while learning Lightly Row

Happy New Year!

I think that 2013 is going to be amazing and full of so many good things!

I am just filled with excitement and hope for this year!

My sister will graduate from High School

We will each turn a year older

We are in our 5th year of marriage

We are seeking out the best way to grow our family and beginning to at on them.

We are starting to look for possible summer internships for Mr. Dawson

We are getting Mr. Dawson ready to officially enter the PHD program this fall.

There are other family resolutions/goals that we are working on, but I think that the biggest one is to make sure that our desires are aligned with our Heavenly Father's desires for us.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sunrise!

I unfortunately do not have a picture of this morning's sunrise

But I wanted to let you all know that I saw my first Kansas Sunrise this morning!

=)

I know!

It's been 4 months since we moved here!

We are really blessed with a little girl who sleeps in

AND

A class schedule that allows us to relax in the mornings too!

Unfortunately Mr. Dawson had a final this morning at 7:30

ugh

But all three of us made it out the door to get him there a few seconds before the professor!

I even made him donuts for breakfast!

I think it's been a successful day already!!

Miracles

For the month of December I was wanting to share ways that I have seen God's hand in my life.

But I realized that there are many that are too personal to share.

There is one, technically four, miracle(s) that I am finally comfortable in sharing with you!

I have been diagnosed with PCOS

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

Basically I have a hormonal imbalance that has affected my reproductive system.

If you want to know the details about PCOS click HERE 

I was diagnosed in NM, after having Ellie, with PCOS but the doctor kept using the words:

"maybe, kind of, looks like, not certain..."

So for the past two years I was never really certain about it.

I was told that it was possible that Ellie was my miracle baby.

Miracle number one!

When we moved to Kansas I knew that I needed to see a doctor who could clarify things 

AND give me a solid answer.

I was visited by two ladies from our church and we got to talking about finding doctors.

One of them mentioned looking into the KU med school program because the doctors they bring in are some of the best in their field and are doing research to learn more!

I followed her advice.

Low and behold I found a doctor who's field not only consists of helping people with fertility problems, but she also specializes in PCOS!!!

Her name is Dr. Sacha Krieg

It was miracle number two!

I set up my appointment and immediately she started me on a bunch of tests to truly find the source of our fertility issues!

On December 6th I met with her and she confirmed that I really do have PCOS.

Miracle number three!

(Yes it is a miracle, because finally after 28 months I have an answer!)

Because I have PCOS I have a 3% chance of getting pregnant on my own each month.

A person without any fertility problems has a 12-25% chance each month

To answer many of the questions that I hear going on in your head:

How is it possible that you didn't need any medical help to have Ellie?

In all honesty, it's because she was meant to come into our lives at that time.

We were ready for a child, and we desperately wanted one.

Our Heavenly Father's timing matched ours and it worked out wonderfully!

We have been so blessed with this little girl!

There are the medical reasons of:

I had symptoms but they weren't doing a number on my body yet; once I got pregnant the changes that came from hormone fluctuations brought the PCOS into light.

And various other reasons.

What do you do now?

Well, the doc is going to put me on a medication called clomid, ovidrel, and perform an IUI.

This should increase my chances of getting pregnant from 3% to 12%!

Miracle number four, medical technology!

My doctor will only perform 3 rounds of this, if they each fail, then we discuss other options.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Just keep us in your prayers.

We realize that all of this is in our Heavenly Fathers hands.

All we can do is try our best to do everything in our power, and acknowledge that he is in control.

I also want you all to realize that we aren't sharing this for pity.

We are sharing this information because we finally have answers that we can tell people!

It's felt like a big secret part of our lives that only our immediate family and a few friends knew about because we've been in the dark for so long! It's nice to finally be able to tell people a true reason why we aren't pregnant with a second kid yet, or why Tresann acts wacky sometimes!

=)

But most importantly, so that way if there is some other couple going through this out there they know they are not alone and hopefully we can help each other!

Scramble With Friends

Ever heard of that game?

It's basically boggle...

Mr. Dawson is incredible with any kind of word game

Me?

I usually lose, badly.

Anyway after playing 6 games I beat him!!!

Did you hear that?! 

I beat him!!!

989 to 921

I know

Close game!

=)

I won!

That also means I can cross off #88!

Woot woot!

Ivory soap

On Pinterest there was this pin about ivory soap.

If you stick it in the microwave not only does it grow, but it becomes fluffy and you can tear it!

So true! It worked!

This is only half a bar!

In case you are thinking of using Dove soap, here is the experiment done back in 2008 with my roomie.

Doesn't work as well, but it sure made the apartment smell good!

Baking soda and vinegar!

Another fun pinterest activity!

Baking soda in the pan, colored vinegar, and an eye dropper!

pretty sure she had a blast since she was so sad to throw it all away!

Success!!! 

slime

This was a pinterest recipe that kinda failed....but we will try the borax one 

(from experience we know that one works) 

next time!

It was still "gross" and fun to squish!