Saying It Loudly, So Others Know They Aren't Alone

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance/Awareness Day. I had no idea about this until a few weeks ago! I also found out that there is a thing called the Wave of Light. October 15th, 7-8pm in the time zone you are in, you light a candle and keep it burning in memory of a loss. This creates a wave of light around the world!

I wish I had known about this! Why don't we talk about things like this!? Why don't we celebrate life as soon as you find out you're pregnant? That way if you do miscarry you have shoulders to lean on, people to support you. This way we know that people have experienced the same/similar pain we have, we are not alone.

For anyone who happens upon my very unpopular blog, I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that loss is hard, no matter what stage you are in. You will never forget, and those that you confide in will always be there to support you and help you as you remember and recall your turmoil. 3/6/13 and 11/20/13, these dates will always be hard, but I have grown so much and have increased my circle of sisters who also understand the turmoil as I have spoken out about my experiences.

Tonight, I lit my candle in remembrance of my children that I never knew, and took an extra moment to delight in the miracle child that I do have.

Making My Heart Ache On Purpose, Kinda...

Sometimes I go to the website www.adoptuskids.org and look at pictures of kids and their bios.

Occasionally I find a family like this one.

It tricks me because I only see the one child that, according to the search field, we would possibly be able to adopt, then find out he has older siblings.

I know what is written, that as long as he maintains contact with his siblings he can be adopted alone.

But I would hate to make him live somewhere where he couldn't visit.

I wish it was within our means to adopt the whole family!

Then there are these brothers.

They live in the neighboring state!

But they would be older siblings to Ellie.

Could it work?

Possibly!

But we haven't even been together for 9 years!

Would we be okay with that?

So many variables, but they seem so awesome don't they!?

This cute little man.

Oh, how my heart aches!
His video is just so cute!

My heart aches that they haven't found their forever families yet, and I pray that they do soon.
I ache because I know that we are not to be their forever family,
yet I so desire for them to feel that love!

Maybe one of you who stumbles upon my post will be able to help these children out!
I pray that someday we will be able to make a child's hope, dream, and prayer come true and be able to welcome them to be a part of our family!
But until that day, and after too, I will continue praying for these children and their future endeavors!

So many things!

I am so grateful for all of the men and women that serve our country!

I have family history of relatives serving all the way back into the Revolutionary War!

Almost one person in each generation has fought for our country one way or another!

I am so grateful to them for risking all they have to provide us with safety and freedom!

I am so grateful for miracle babies.

I understand that every baby is in their own right a miracle.

But for this gratitude mini paragraph, I am grateful for the ones that give their moms and dads hope.

The ones that parents have been fighting to conceive.

The ones that fight to make it into this world alive.

The ones that try their hardest, but are called back to our Father before we get to know them.

I am so grateful to each and every one of those miracle babies.

I am grateful for families.

I am so grateful that we are so tightly knit to each other!

I am grateful that we get to visit with each of our families a few times a year!

I am so grateful that we can talk on a weekly basis and receive updates!

I am grateful for the opportunity I have to work with the Young Women in my church.

Ages 12-18!

They are an amazing group that keeps me on my toes!

We laugh together, welcome each other, and do our best to always love each other.

They are such a great group of girls that I love.

I love watching the way they face their daily challenges and learn from them.

They are going to be tremendous women and leaders when they leave their nests!

Cuddles

Yesterday Ellie had a fever. The biggest one she has ever had in her lifetime! 

Nothing dangerously high, but still. 

Mr. Dawson was so nice to get her breakfast ready while I slept in a bit.

Afterwards we all climbed into bed and cuddled.....for about 2 hours.

I kept thinking how nice it was to have Ellie laying still next to us and wanting to cuddle for so long!

It was a bit later when I realized that something was up, Ellie never cuddles with us for that long!

Fever story cut short, that little girl is a trooper!

She cuddled all day, took a two hour nap, even kept her diaper dry! 

And her fever broke while she was sleeping last night.

It's great to have the normal Ellie back, but yesterdays cuddles are a great memory!

It was so nice to be needed and that she just wanted to be close to us!

Even more fantastic was that we had nothing pressing us to stop, we could just enjoy the moment!

Adoption Update

Many people have asked us how the adoption is coming.

We are still waiting.

The agency that we are working with does things a little different than most.

The birth mothers choose the family they will place their child with, 

rather than just pairing us up with someone.

So, we wait.

We have an Aunt in St. George Utah who is getting our name out there!

Thanks April!

We have a friend in my parents ward who works with potential birth mothers and she is getting our name out there for us!

Thanks Sis. Young!

We also have our case worker in Missouri sharing our profile for us too!

Thanks Paul!

Our profile is online for people to find and look at.

What? You haven't seen our profile yet!?

Click HERE 

Know anyone who is considering adoption? 

We would love to send them to people who can answer all their questions!

Or we can try our best to answer them!

=)

We know it will happen at some point and are excited for that day! 

Expecting

I write this post hesitantly because of all the strong opinions people have.

But it is something that I just need to get out and share not just with Mr. Dawson.

I have a hard time when people announce they are pregnant.

Not always, 

but often enough that I think the times it doesn't affect me I am holding it in until I can't any more.

This is where the opinions roll....

"But you already have a kid, it's not like you are completely empty armed!"

and other thoughts similar to that

Yes this is true.

And Mr. Dawson reminded me of something last night when I broke down after another friends announcement.

"They are just joining the 'getting a second kid club' that we are in too!"

That is also true!

That's when the lightbulb moment hit me.

It's not necessarily envy that they are expanding their family, because we are planning on ours expanding too!

It's the envy of them having a date and knowing WHEN their family will expand.

It's that due date that gets me.

Our due date can be anywhere from this week to any day in the next many years!

(however long we are up for keeping our adoption account active!)

Now that I've publicly shared this I don't want people to not share that they are pregnant!

I love hearing about it!

Just know that I might feel a bit sad for 15 minutes, and then I get over it!

okay? 

Okay!

Mother's Day

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there!!! 

Mothers day to some, is only for the women who have children, but really mothers day is for all the women that influence our lives. Their insights and words of wisdom are passed on from one generation to another.

Oprah Winfrey has said, “The least requirement for being a mother is actually having children." I really believe that, because the spirit of motherhood is really the spirit of teaching, of selfless giving, of bettering other people and making the world a better place for everyone around you. To me, that's the REAL definition of motherhood, whether you actually have your own children or not.

Sister Julie B. Beck in a conference talk said, ” In my experience I have seen that some of the truest mother hearts beat in the breasts of women who will not rear their own children in this life, but they know that "all things must come to pass in their time" and that they "are laying the foundation of a great work".  

A web site advertising mothers day says, “Mother's Day is a time of commemoration and celebration for Mom. It is a time of breakfast in bed, family gatherings, and crayon scribbled "I Love You’s.”  This is saying mothers day is only on one day every year and that is the day you give a multitude of gifts and notes to your mothers. 

I see mothers day in a different perspective. Yes, Mothers Day is on the second Sunday of May, but it should be celebrated every second in each and every hour. 

We should say I love you every day, always do kind things, always leave a note of encouragement behind, be together as a family often, and even bring your mom breakfast in bed every once-in-a-while.

Mothers are the ones who clean up after us, our own personal taxi driver, our personal laundry mat, the restaurant, the teacher of math, english, and science.  The one that we take advice from, the one who corrects us when we say something we shouldn’t have, and the one we mimic.  We need to be grateful for all of these things that are provided for us on a voluntary basis. Really, our mothers don’t have to do these things. And believe it or not they don’t even sign a contract saying they will do all these things without pay, they do it out of love.

Mothers are very powerful through what they do. They are the ones that raised the prophets righteously. They are the ones who believed in what their sons were doing when the rest of the world wanted to kill them. They are the ones who took the risk of saving their sons life and giving him anonymously to a daughter whose father wanted all boys of his race killed. Mothers are the ones who take in children not of their own and raise them as if they were. Mothers raised the presidents who lead our country. 

        

I’m glad that God gave us mothers to lead us through this life. I’m grateful for all the different mothers who have helped me achieve my goals. I’m thankful for the three letter word that is the definition of love, MOM. It is my hope that we can all learn to love and appreciate all of the mothers, and show them the gratitude we have for their love. 

Now that I've forced upon you my definition of "Mother" I want to show you all the pictures I have of all the "mother's" I have had in my life. 

Of course, these are not all, and some are not so flattering. But I HAD to share!

Some of these women are older than me, some are younger than me, some are even my same age!

They have all influenced my life for the better!

I am so grateful to be able to have had them all in my life!

I look forward to meeting more "Mother's" that influence my life along with the ones that influence my children's lives!

If you are in need of some other Mother's Day goodness, click here and here 

Happy Mother's day to you all!

Happiness

A friend posted this on her blog and I absolutely loved it, so I had to share it!

image credit

I think it is perfectly stated!

There are times that I look to the future and think, "When this happens wont life be grand!"

For the past few months I've tried really hard to not plan on the future but to live in the moment,

and it has been AMAZING!!!

I honestly feel like my relationship with Ellie and Mr. Dawson has grown.

I try to "be there" and not on the computer/cellphone/ipod

It's been so fantastic "growing happiness under my feet"!

It's never too late to start!

There is a Silver Lining to Every Cloud

If you will recall these two posts:

Adoption Language and Patience is a Dirty Word

Between these two posts, a crazy roller coaster ride came our way.

The clouds on this ride were ever changing,

Sunshiny, overcast, gloomy, overcast, cumulonimbus, and then back to overcast, and sunshiny!

A few days after writing the first post we found out that we were pregnant!

With shock and excitement and wonder we called the fertility clinic to tell them the news!

Immediately lab work was scheduled to be done to make sure that everything looked good.

Everyone was so excited and shocked that this could be happening!

We pondered why we would feel inspired to start the adoption process if we were to be blessed with a biological child!

I even told Mr. Dawson that if this pregnancy didn't work out, that having already started the adoption process and being so far into it would help me not stick in a funk for very long. 

Then we got some news along with many questions

The numbers weren't looking good

I was told to continue with the last scheduled lab work session, take a certain prescription, and then they would see about an ultrasound.

The last labs didn't come back as happy as they had desired, so an ultrasound was scheduled for the next day.

The doctors and nurses thought the pregnancy might be ectopic.

Ectopic is when a baby implants anywhere but the uterus, most often the fallopian tube.

As the baby grows the tube cannot expand enough to hold the baby....and then the mothers life becomes at risk.

So in we went.

During the ultrasound we found out that it was not ectopic!

BUT the gestational sac was measuring much smaller than it should have been for almost 7 weeks.

They told us that we would do more lab work and continue watching and see what happened

A few days later I miscarried.

Hard as it is to miscarry, I found out in the middle of my day of teaching and still had 2 hours to go.

I put on my brave face, texted Justin, called the nurses in a 5 minute break I had, and continued on.

Earlier that morning I had allowed myself to hope for the best.

Lab work continued, followed by another ultrasound.

My body was doing it's job correctly

More lab work would be necessary to make sure my body finished it's job correctly.

The doctor and nurse appeared to be amazed at how well we seemed to be handling the situation.

I responded by telling them that it first helped in thinking that it was an ectopic pregnancy, my brain was prepared for the fact that I would lose this child. 

When it became apparent it wasn't ectopic and I prayed for strength and knowledge as to what I needed to do, I was comforted. 

I knew that no matter what things would work out!

We will be having another child whether by adoption or biologically!

The best part out of all of this!

Yes, there is a best part, remember I ended with "sunshiny" up top!

My body works!

Well, at least when it decides to work, it can work!

This is amazing news!

We weren't even sure that my body could really conceive on it's own!

And it did!

Who knows how often my body "works"! 

It took us 10 months to get there....

But we are excited about that, to have the knowledge that you aren't as broken as you thought, that is great news!

So we are continuing with the adoption process.

Yes, even though we were able to conceive we feel that we still need to do this and continue with the adoption process. 

We have felt, when we first started the process, that we would someday have another biological child

But today is not that day. 

We are to adopt first and love this child and raise this child with all the love that we have!

Have I mentioned how excited Ellie is to be a big sister!

SO STINKIN' EXCITED!

She claims she is going to have a baby sister.

She is going to play peek-a-boo, feed the baby bottles, hold the baby, and sing songs.

And we are so excited that we get to have another child as well!

Adoption Language

Don't worry, I'll update you on all our snow and recent adventures in the past 11 days

....tomorrow.

But for now, just wanted to do a quick little post on the words we speak.

Since we are adopting, OUR PAPERWORK IS ALMOST COMPLETE, I figured I should start letting friends and family know and understand terminology.

It's mainly to understand how things can be said with the greatest of care but still sound terrible, and how to prevent that from happening to you!

The terms on the LEFT are the NEGATIVE

Terms on the RIGHT are POSITIVE

Here goes:

"Gave up her child for adoption".............."Placed her child for adoption"

"Real parent; natural parent"..............."Biological parent, birth parent"

"Adoptive parent".................."Parent"

"His adopted child".............."His child"

"Illegitimate"...................."Born to unmarried parents"

"Adoptee"............."Child who was adopted"

"To keep"............."To parent; to raise"

"Adoptable child; available child"......................."Waiting child"

"Foreign adoption"............."International adoption"

"Track down parents"............."Search"

"Unwanted child"................."Child placed for adoption"

"Is adopted"..............."Was adopted"

"Keeping the baby"..........."Deciding to parent"

"Child of their own"..............."Birth child; biological child"

I am sure there are more but that is all that I can come up with right now!

Would you alter your past?

On Wednesday at mutual the girls were discussing their plans for the future.

Many of them revolved around "marrying into money". This thought process being so they could travel the world, not have to really take care of the kids, not have to worry about being a starving student, or being a starving student with children. Go to college to get an MRS rather than a degree that could help support a family if necessary. And then many mentioned that they wanted to be in their late twenties when they got married.

Honestly, this was the conversation going on while we were sewing hats for kids with cancer.

When I was their age my thoughts were no where near this!

I knew I would go to college and get a degree that could help me if I didn't get married.

It's always your dream/hope that you will get married while you are in school but this doesn't always happen! I have so many friends who are proof of this and they live amazing lives doing what they love doing because they got the education they needed!

Marry into money?!?!

I have to say, it would be awesome!

But realistically? It is highly unlikely.

I kept my thoughts to myself, gotta let them have their dreams/fantasies right?

Well when they started mentioning that they wanted to not get married at a young age a few of the leaders started chiming in too.

They said that if they could go back they would wait to get married until they were 25-28.

Their reasoning, 

"There are so many amazing things that you can do when you are young and single! Travel the world, do things that are hard to do with kids like going to sporting events, attend runway shows, concerts, travel whenever you wish....."

So they seconded the girls ideas of waiting to get married, or at least postponing children until they had reached these amazing mile stones that are hard to do once children come into the picture.

Don't get me wrong. I love these ladies and these girls!

I think they have valid points

But here are mine:

1. Go to college to get a degree you love. This way while you are hoping Mr. Right comes along you can be working on things that you love, rather than make you feel like you want to die!

But also so if Mr. Right does come along and he isn't Mr. Money Bags you can help him!

Whether it's helping by putting him through school, helping pay the bills, saving money so you can travel, or saving money for the future family and house you want to have!

2. I got married a few months after I turned 20. Sure I missed out on some fun adventures because we became two poor college students with meager bank accounts rather than just individuals, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I honestly don't regret not getting to travel as much as I would have liked before getting married, but hey! I will travel again, and I think it might mean more to me because I have to save up and wait for a little longer!

3. Kids do put dampers on somethings, sure traveling with them can be hard depending on their age, but by-golly! I love my little girl and wouldn't trade her for a trip to Europe!!!

4. If I had chosen not to marry Mr. Dawson and post-pone that by serving a mission for my church, or telling him I wanted to finish my degree first. 

(All very good things and I understand why people choose to do that)

I most likely wouldn't have Ellie.

With my knowledge of how my fertility is all screwy, I believe it to be a miracle given by God that Ellie is here with our little family!

Who knows what one year or more later than me getting married in 2008 might have done to my chance to be blessed with such an intelligent, beautiful, energetic girl!

So to sum it all up, I understand the thoughts that people make about wishing the could change little things about their past.

But it's not for me.

I think that everything that has happened in my life was supposed to happen the way it did because I can look back and see how perfectly things lined up for me to be where I am today, doing what I do.

That's my rant for today!

=)

Favorite Olympic Commercial

Makes me choke up every time!

To us, they're Olympians. But to their moms, they'll always be kids.

xo

8 Ways to Be a Happier Mom

Read THIS on Yahoo! and thought it was fantastically written.

I could also take a few of the steps and implement them into my life!

=)

Little note...

There have been a few times in my life where someone has told me that my hair smells good.

I am always grateful I washed it when they say that, but I never believed them/understood that hair can keep a smell from shampoo for a decent amount of time.

I AM SHOCKED!

Ellie's been playing with my hair, which means it's ended up in my face....

and my hair does have it's shampoo smell!

Seriously, I never actually noticed until today.

Am I really that slow?!

(Don't answer that!)

=)

Hello darlings!!

I had people look at my page 22 times on Friday,

most likely in hopes for the 10 unknown facts....

But alas we had family in town for the Mr.'s graduation and I didn't have time to blog.

My apologies, but family comes first!

This weekend was filled with lots and lots of fun!

Little miss was more than excited about BOTH grandpas and grandmas coming to visit!

We found that she loves her grandpas way more than her grandmas.

(I bet as soon as she find out it's the grandmas who do the gift giving it might become more equal!)

=)

But this weekend the grandpas were always sitting at the ends of the row and so she walk back and forth and back and forth spending 5-10 minutes on the lap of one of her "papas"

In honor of mothers day, these lovely mothers expressed everything I feel so beautifully that I feel I should just direct you to their pages!

1 & 2

Also there is a mother who recently passed away after giving birth. 

Leaving behind not only her husband, but their 2 boys and a newborn baby girl.

If you click on the link you can read a little bit of the story and donate money to help this father pay for funeral, hospital, and raising children with out a mother costs.

I also read that he had just finished his masters...so any little bit of money they can receive would help them.

I hope you all had a fabulous weekend and loved your mother, thought of your mothers if they have passed on, loved the women who influence your life for good, loved the women who helped to shape you into the man/woman you are today, loved the mother of your future children, loved the mother of your current children =), said a little prayer for that future woman you are yet to meet that will become the mother of your children.

And any other combination of woman in your life that I forgot to mention.

=)

These are the most recent pictures I have of the Mr. and I involving our mothers and Ellie....I seriously need to fix this as these pictures are from last summer and thanksgiving!!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful mom EVER!

Honestly.

I have pushed many, if not all of your buttons growing up.

We didn't always get along.

But then...

You learned when to push me and when to hold back.

You learned when to listen and when to talk.

You learned when to hug me and when to be by my side.

But you didn't do all the learning!

I learned to accept your advice even when I didn't want it.

I learned to listen and not talk back.

I learned that you were learning too and that you loved me with all your heart.

Oh mommy, 

I am so glad that you are mine!

I am so glad that I am your daughter!

I am so happy that you are the gramma to my little girl!

I am so happy that somehow at sometime we created the friendship/mommydaughter-ship that we have now!

Thank you for being there for me!

Love you!