Making My Heart Ache On Purpose, Kinda...

Sometimes I go to the website www.adoptuskids.org and look at pictures of kids and their bios.

Occasionally I find a family like this one.

It tricks me because I only see the one child that, according to the search field, we would possibly be able to adopt, then find out he has older siblings.

I know what is written, that as long as he maintains contact with his siblings he can be adopted alone.

But I would hate to make him live somewhere where he couldn't visit.

I wish it was within our means to adopt the whole family!

Then there are these brothers.

They live in the neighboring state!

But they would be older siblings to Ellie.

Could it work?

Possibly!

But we haven't even been together for 9 years!

Would we be okay with that?

So many variables, but they seem so awesome don't they!?

This cute little man.

Oh, how my heart aches!
His video is just so cute!

My heart aches that they haven't found their forever families yet, and I pray that they do soon.
I ache because I know that we are not to be their forever family,
yet I so desire for them to feel that love!

Maybe one of you who stumbles upon my post will be able to help these children out!
I pray that someday we will be able to make a child's hope, dream, and prayer come true and be able to welcome them to be a part of our family!
But until that day, and after too, I will continue praying for these children and their future endeavors!

An Update On The Baby Front

The brief version.....
We are still waiting to be found by a birth parent. =) Ellie's been asking more and more about when her "baby and sister" (translation: baby brother and baby sister) are coming to visit. We've resulted to, "when you don't poop in your diapers any more"! And at the rate she's going, this comment will work perfectly! =)

Longer and more TMI version:  Feel free to just click out if you don't want the TMI! =)

Because I am a preparedness freak and need organization, as well as being a planner (I have a terrible phobia of the unknown future and not having goals to reach), we have been making some mile markers for us.

The first one revolved around the miscarriage. I wanted to get my body back into shape and be healthier. I had gained a significant amount of weight from focusing on the move and not what I was putting into my body. I saw this miscarriage as a way to get my butt into gear and focus on being in the best shape so I can take care of Ellie and Mr. Dawson, as well as any future kids. In order to do this we decided to use contraceptives until August and then make another decision.

Over the summer I had some crazy issues happen that I was a bit embarrassed to talk about, but they fit in with this post! Before Father's Day I had crazy intense abdominal pain that felt like labor pains. This pain also came with severe bowel movements. Told you this second one had TMI! =) Any way, I had had abdominal pain similar to this for many years, but not to this intensity. I decided to skip the regular doctors and jump to a GI consultant because I figured it was intestinal. Zoom forward, I was scheduled for a CT scan while they proceeded to test me! All tests came back negative, but in the CT scan they saw that I had recently had an ovarian cyst on my left side, the size of a quarter, rupture. They wanted to rule out that the cyst was the cause of problems so they sent me to an OB/GYN. The OB/GYN told me that the cyst was the reason for the pain, but most likely not the suspect for severe bowel movements. He also told me, after an examination, that he believed I might have endometriosis. Short story: The medication I am on to help "treat" PCOS is helping to regulate my periods, but can quite possibly be causing me to develop endometriosis. Fun stuff, right!? Well since we are on a mission to make my body healthy and not get pregnant we take the info and let it sit on the shelf. I am scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy to try and figure out my bowel situation. (In case you aren't familiar with those terms, I got scoped from both ends of my body) SO NOT FUN! And....the results came back NEGATIVE for everything they tested and were looking for. I am unfortunately and fortunately a perfectly healthy 25 year old! Because of that they decided to test some IBS, irritable bowel syndrome, meds on me to see what happens. So far it's been pretty good. Hooray!!!

Now that my body is back to "working" condition it's back to thinking about babies again....

August came and we decided to make Heavenly Father our family planner. We were already 3 months into the waiting game of adoption and felt that one way or another Heavenly Father wants us to grow our family. So whether it be adoption or biological we will let it happen and not get in the way.

Towards the end of August and beginning of September I proposed a plan of specific goals. We have studied them together and prayed about them and feel that we will know as soon as we take these steps if they really are what we should do.

If my September cycle finishes without a pregnancy we will set up an appointment to talk with my endocrinologist about our next steps whether it be laparoscopy or drugs to induce ovulation. And go from there.

I know that many people may think, "But you haven't waited long enough, or given adoption a long enough chance. Just hang on." Or something similar. It's true. We haven't been "active" on the adoption lists for very long. But while we are waiting, we want to continue to see what chances we have of conceiving again, as well as what steps we need to take in order for that to actually happen! The more we, and doctors, know about my body the more we can fine tune what actually needs to happen in order for it to work properly to ovulate and conceive.

That's the long winded and informative version of everything happening in our lives right now, revolving around babies that is!

If you have any other questions, concerns, suggestions go ahead and write them! I will read them and answer them to the best of my ability!

Future Baby Dawson

Don't read into that title!

There is no future baby Dawson yet!

Just getting prepared!

I started this blanket back in April and finished on Saturday!

It was my first crochet project and I think it turned out fantastically!

Now future baby Dawson can come anytime, we are ready!

Adoption Update

Many people have asked us how the adoption is coming.

We are still waiting.

The agency that we are working with does things a little different than most.

The birth mothers choose the family they will place their child with, 

rather than just pairing us up with someone.

So, we wait.

We have an Aunt in St. George Utah who is getting our name out there!

Thanks April!

We have a friend in my parents ward who works with potential birth mothers and she is getting our name out there for us!

Thanks Sis. Young!

We also have our case worker in Missouri sharing our profile for us too!

Thanks Paul!

Our profile is online for people to find and look at.

What? You haven't seen our profile yet!?

Click HERE 

Know anyone who is considering adoption? 

We would love to send them to people who can answer all their questions!

Or we can try our best to answer them!

=)

We know it will happen at some point and are excited for that day! 

Expecting

I write this post hesitantly because of all the strong opinions people have.

But it is something that I just need to get out and share not just with Mr. Dawson.

I have a hard time when people announce they are pregnant.

Not always, 

but often enough that I think the times it doesn't affect me I am holding it in until I can't any more.

This is where the opinions roll....

"But you already have a kid, it's not like you are completely empty armed!"

and other thoughts similar to that

Yes this is true.

And Mr. Dawson reminded me of something last night when I broke down after another friends announcement.

"They are just joining the 'getting a second kid club' that we are in too!"

That is also true!

That's when the lightbulb moment hit me.

It's not necessarily envy that they are expanding their family, because we are planning on ours expanding too!

It's the envy of them having a date and knowing WHEN their family will expand.

It's that due date that gets me.

Our due date can be anywhere from this week to any day in the next many years!

(however long we are up for keeping our adoption account active!)

Now that I've publicly shared this I don't want people to not share that they are pregnant!

I love hearing about it!

Just know that I might feel a bit sad for 15 minutes, and then I get over it!

okay? 

Okay!

Ready to Adopt!

Our paperwork has been approved and we are now eligible to adopt!

Please take a look at our online profile by clicking HERE!

I am so excited!

Last night when we got the email from our case worker saying we were approved, I squealed with delight!

Seriously, Mr. Dawson was a little concerned...

=)

We are thrilled and can't wait to find and meet our birth mother!

Please feel free to pass along our profile and names to people!

Placing a Child for Adoption

A friend of mine posted a link to this video on facebook today.

Of course I had to watch it, since it's about adoption!

It's fantastic!

I love being able to hear a birth mother's perspective on things.

How bitter sweet her experience has been.

Then I found Tamra's blog.

(she's the one in the video, in case you didn't catch that)

So beautiful!

I read just three posts:

"talk i wrote for church", "my keynote address for the Central Region Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Denver", and "THIS JUST IN"

So beautiful and amazing!

I am so glad that she is sharing her experience with everyone!

She is shining a light on adoption and helping it become less of a mysterious, scary thing!

I hope that with our journey, being the adoptive parents, that I can share things that will help others understand adoption and be more open to it as well!

What I do know so far is that it is a beautiful thing that strengthens everyone involved!

And that lots of HARD WORK, PRAYERS, FASTING, SACRIFICES, TEARS, and HUMILITY are involved.

Leaving behind BLESSINGS, JOY, LOVE, COMPASSION, PEACE, and FAMILY.

There is a Silver Lining to Every Cloud

If you will recall these two posts:

Adoption Language and Patience is a Dirty Word

Between these two posts, a crazy roller coaster ride came our way.

The clouds on this ride were ever changing,

Sunshiny, overcast, gloomy, overcast, cumulonimbus, and then back to overcast, and sunshiny!

A few days after writing the first post we found out that we were pregnant!

With shock and excitement and wonder we called the fertility clinic to tell them the news!

Immediately lab work was scheduled to be done to make sure that everything looked good.

Everyone was so excited and shocked that this could be happening!

We pondered why we would feel inspired to start the adoption process if we were to be blessed with a biological child!

I even told Mr. Dawson that if this pregnancy didn't work out, that having already started the adoption process and being so far into it would help me not stick in a funk for very long. 

Then we got some news along with many questions

The numbers weren't looking good

I was told to continue with the last scheduled lab work session, take a certain prescription, and then they would see about an ultrasound.

The last labs didn't come back as happy as they had desired, so an ultrasound was scheduled for the next day.

The doctors and nurses thought the pregnancy might be ectopic.

Ectopic is when a baby implants anywhere but the uterus, most often the fallopian tube.

As the baby grows the tube cannot expand enough to hold the baby....and then the mothers life becomes at risk.

So in we went.

During the ultrasound we found out that it was not ectopic!

BUT the gestational sac was measuring much smaller than it should have been for almost 7 weeks.

They told us that we would do more lab work and continue watching and see what happened

A few days later I miscarried.

Hard as it is to miscarry, I found out in the middle of my day of teaching and still had 2 hours to go.

I put on my brave face, texted Justin, called the nurses in a 5 minute break I had, and continued on.

Earlier that morning I had allowed myself to hope for the best.

Lab work continued, followed by another ultrasound.

My body was doing it's job correctly

More lab work would be necessary to make sure my body finished it's job correctly.

The doctor and nurse appeared to be amazed at how well we seemed to be handling the situation.

I responded by telling them that it first helped in thinking that it was an ectopic pregnancy, my brain was prepared for the fact that I would lose this child. 

When it became apparent it wasn't ectopic and I prayed for strength and knowledge as to what I needed to do, I was comforted. 

I knew that no matter what things would work out!

We will be having another child whether by adoption or biologically!

The best part out of all of this!

Yes, there is a best part, remember I ended with "sunshiny" up top!

My body works!

Well, at least when it decides to work, it can work!

This is amazing news!

We weren't even sure that my body could really conceive on it's own!

And it did!

Who knows how often my body "works"! 

It took us 10 months to get there....

But we are excited about that, to have the knowledge that you aren't as broken as you thought, that is great news!

So we are continuing with the adoption process.

Yes, even though we were able to conceive we feel that we still need to do this and continue with the adoption process. 

We have felt, when we first started the process, that we would someday have another biological child

But today is not that day. 

We are to adopt first and love this child and raise this child with all the love that we have!

Have I mentioned how excited Ellie is to be a big sister!

SO STINKIN' EXCITED!

She claims she is going to have a baby sister.

She is going to play peek-a-boo, feed the baby bottles, hold the baby, and sing songs.

And we are so excited that we get to have another child as well!

Adoption Language

Don't worry, I'll update you on all our snow and recent adventures in the past 11 days

....tomorrow.

But for now, just wanted to do a quick little post on the words we speak.

Since we are adopting, OUR PAPERWORK IS ALMOST COMPLETE, I figured I should start letting friends and family know and understand terminology.

It's mainly to understand how things can be said with the greatest of care but still sound terrible, and how to prevent that from happening to you!

The terms on the LEFT are the NEGATIVE

Terms on the RIGHT are POSITIVE

Here goes:

"Gave up her child for adoption".............."Placed her child for adoption"

"Real parent; natural parent"..............."Biological parent, birth parent"

"Adoptive parent".................."Parent"

"His adopted child".............."His child"

"Illegitimate"...................."Born to unmarried parents"

"Adoptee"............."Child who was adopted"

"To keep"............."To parent; to raise"

"Adoptable child; available child"......................."Waiting child"

"Foreign adoption"............."International adoption"

"Track down parents"............."Search"

"Unwanted child"................."Child placed for adoption"

"Is adopted"..............."Was adopted"

"Keeping the baby"..........."Deciding to parent"

"Child of their own"..............."Birth child; biological child"

I am sure there are more but that is all that I can come up with right now!

Right Direction

I was asked a question today by one of my friends at church.

She was asking about our plans for adoption and if we were so stressed about it.

My answer, "No, not as stressed as thinking about fertility treatments!"

Which is totally true!

But I didn't realize until asked this question that I am honestly not stressed.

Life seems so much easier, better, happier!

I am really not stressed at all about doing this paperwork and better understanding adoption.

By realizing this I am realizing that this truly is what our Heavenly Father wants us to do.

We are on the right path, going the right direction.

I actually couldn't be more excited about all of this!

Adoption

On our Christmas card this year, and on a blog post about miracles, we told everyone that we needed prayers as we started treatments to try and conceive a child with medical help.

Our plan has changed.

Remember my last post about our New Year goals and how we want to align our desires with God's?

That is what we are doing!

We took the end of December and the beginning of January off of making life changing decisions and just enjoyed the holidays with our little girl, each other, and family.

We decided to just ponder the two decisions that we felt so right about making. 

Fertility Treatments and Adoption

To reanalyze it all and focus on not making a decision immediately, but to focus on our family and our Heavenly Father's desires for us.

Amazingly it was just what we needed.

There we were, Mr. Dawson and I, the evening of the 6th discussing what we had fasted for.

Clarification:

In case you don't know, every first Sunday of the month our church has fast Sunday.

To fast is to go without food and drink voluntarily for a certain period of time. 

We believe that fasting combined with sincere prayer can strengthen us spiritually, bring us closer to God, and help us prepare ourselves and others to receive His blessings.

Some times we are asked to specifically fast for something. 

Moisture because we are in a drought, health for a member of our ward who's health is failing....

Other times we are not asked to specifically fast for something and we decide on something as a family that we may need guidance or answers to. 

For one reason or another Mr. Dawson and I never talked about what we were going to fast about until the day was done. 

We ended up fasting for the same thing, different wording of our prayers, but same thoughts.

We came to the understanding that now is not the time for us to seek fertility treatments to try and conceive a child of our own.

We are to follow through with the promptings we received back in September/October about submitting paperwork for adoption!

As soon as we arrived in Lawrence, we gathered the paperwork we had received from the agency months ago, filled it out, and mailed it off!

Within the week we will be starting our home study.

We are still figuring all this out, especially the lingo!

As we do, I hope to keep you informed of what is happening and/or clear up any misconceptions!

We would still appreciate your prayers and also prayers on behalf of a birth mother that we have yet to meet!

We are so excited for this new adventure!