Monday, June 29, 2015

Change



Thank you for taking the time to read this!

As you all know we have always wanted a larger family, but we have decided through much prayer, that our family is the size that God wants it to be and are closing the door on the dream of a bigger family.  


For those of you that may be members of our church or who have prayed for guidance from God and received answers, we know you will understand what it means when we say that this “feels right and good”. For those who maybe aren't religious the best way I can describe it is a gut feeling that says, "You've got this! You're doing the right thing." We've already taken steps to get rid of baby items, and it still feels right. So we are continuing with this decision.


We understand many of your thoughts you after having as you read this.
“Have you tried ______”
"You're still young, you have plenty of time"
"Why don't you wait to make this decision after you've finished school"
"What can we do to help?"


We have been blessed with the opportunity and guidance, three different times, to consider adopting a child. We found all the right and necessary materials to prepare to bring this child into our family, only to find out that the child was just barely adopted or otherwise unavailable to us. We saw 4 different medical professionals to guide us on our journey; one was even specialized in my syndrome. We had many tests performed on us to rule things out. We underwent a surgery to make sure that all the tests hadn't missed anything. We tried going dairy-free, the “we” is used very loosely here… =).  We took different hormones that are supposed to increase the chances of pregnancy significantly, only to find they didn't do anything for us other than give weird side effects doctors had never seen before. All of this felt right. Nothing ever felt wrong. We haven't hid much of this journey from Ellie. She came to many blood draws, many doctors appointments, she helped us prepare things for a new baby, she saw pictures of children we were considering bringing into our home, and she understood what the surgery was for. We feel that we have done everything we could in order to grow our family, and for reasons unknown to us, we feel that our family is meant to be its current size.


Yes we are young and still have "plenty" of time. (I find that statement funny given the fact that each year, as a female, your fertility level decreases.) But what you may not see, because we purposefully tried to hide it, is that I cannot emotionally take the loss of a dream month after month as I have for the past 3.5 years.


It's true that we could wait until after school. But we both feel like we will not experience the blessing of watching and feeling my belly grow, the blessing of midnight feedings, the blessing of dirty diapers, the blessing of potty training. What we do know is that it has been a fantastic learning and growing experience for our little family and we will enjoy all the baby nieces and nephews that join the big family!

What can you do for us? Continue to pray for us as we make this transition. As with any drastic change made to your future, it comes with a grieving period for the loss of a dream. We are grateful for all the support you have given us over these last few years. Please continue to love us and to share your joys and journeys with expanding your families! Ask us questions, if you have any, please share cookies with us, and share this with anyone you have been open with regarding our journey! =)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Saying It Loudly, So Others Know They Aren't Alone

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance/Awareness Day. I had no idea about this until a few weeks ago! I also found out that there is a thing called the Wave of Light. October 15th, 7-8pm in the time zone you are in, you light a candle and keep it burning in memory of a loss. This creates a wave of light around the world!

I wish I had known about this! Why don't we talk about things like this!? Why don't we celebrate life as soon as you find out you're pregnant? That way if you do miscarry you have shoulders to lean on, people to support you. This way we know that people have experienced the same/similar pain we have, we are not alone.

For anyone who happens upon my very unpopular blog, I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that loss is hard, no matter what stage you are in. You will never forget, and those that you confide in will always be there to support you and help you as you remember and recall your turmoil. 3/6/13 and 11/20/13, these dates will always be hard, but I have grown so much and have increased my circle of sisters who also understand the turmoil as I have spoken out about my experiences.

Tonight, I lit my candle in remembrance of my children that I never knew, and took an extra moment to delight in the miracle child that I do have.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Fertility Drama

Have you seen this comic image before?
It's humorous and truthful all at the same time.


Last November I was the lady at the bottom of the image with her child. I was so nervous to enter the waiting room with Ellie. I knew the anguish I would cause so many women in that room. 
Unfortunately my visit was last minute, and I had no time to find a babysitter. 
You see, my blood work from that morning suggested that I might be miscarrying. Because of my blood type, and Mr. Dawson's blood type I need a special shot to make sure my body doesn't try to extinguish any future babies if I do miscarry. 
There I was with my little girl in my arms, holding her as tight as I could.
Not to stop her from squirming, she was perfect, but because I knew deep down that I was yet again loosing my hope of another baby, a sibling for my daughter. 

I wish that I could have walked in with a sign that let all the other women know what was going on.
Unfortunately I was met with glares and women who avoided me completely 
(they all sat on the other side of the waiting room from me)
And the whole time my heart was breaking.

For any of you who may someday unfortunately encounter a fertility clinic waiting room.
I know it's tough.
Good news is received, bad news is received, sometimes you're just waiting for news.
My biggest hope is that if you ever have the unfortunate chance to enter that waiting room, that you please have sympathy for every man and woman in that room. 
Smile at anyone who crosses your path, maybe even give a little hug if you feel so inclined. 
You never know what that person is going through.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

General Conference Traditions

Dear readers,

Are you still there? Sorry it has been over 2 months since I've written. I actually have one post stuck in draft form and another stuck in my head. I can't come to write/post them. They are more personal than anything I have ever written and don't know if I can publish them to be available by anyone with internet access in the world. We will see. Until then, here is a lighter post with pictures!

General Conference was this past weekend and we have some fun traditions we want to share!

We build a bed out of blankets!     Set a specific candy for a word, when spoken we get to eat it!

We make the Dawson ham, cream cheese, and pickle snack! TOTALLY delicious!

Mr. Dawson and I took a guess as to who would speak in the first two sessions!
              

Ellie might have gotten a sugar high....
                                        

Cuddles with daddy

And lastly, being a dare devil with no hands!



To answer any questions, yes we really do have a TON of blankets, we also might have used our 3 body pillows to help out with the blanket bed.

No I initially didn't eat the Dawson creation. I thought it looked and sounded gross, but I have come to really like it and even crave it occasionally!

Ellie doesn't always sit still, but she gets excited for conference because we are excited, and the candy helps her to focus and sit and listen! In October I plan to add celery sticks and carrots to help tame the sugar crashes! =)